I am Only Nineteen


The sun.
Everyday we start with the sun.
We wake up, catch a glimpse and are blinded from the light radiating off,
We are welcomed with its warmth as we step into its present,
We admire the beauty of colors it reflects as it descends,
We rely on the growth it encourages others,
We depend on the joy it provides us.
When it is no longer attentive, we miss its being.

Confession,
I want to be the sun.
I want to radiate light and brighten people’s world.
I want to give a warm welcome to those who enter my path.
I want people to admire my beauty without demanding attention.
I want people to count on me to help them grow as an individual.
I want people to be happy to be in my presence.
And I want people to miss me when they are not.

But the thing about the sun is it is done growing. I am not.

As fluffy as the analogy is, I am not the person I want to be at this time in my life.
I am difficult.
I am immature.
I am way too talkative.
I am too passionate.
I am way too free.
And I am only nineteen.

I’m not suppose to have my whole life figured out right now. I’m not suppose to be the person that takes time to develop into. I’m not suppose to be the sun yet. I’m not suppose to be grown.

I am suppose to make mistakes.
I am suppose to talk people’s ears off.
I am suppose to laugh too loud.
I am suppose to argue with my parents.
I am suppose to roam the world without a worry in the world.
I am suppose to be wild.

I am suppose to be right here at this moment.

“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” -Matthew 6:34

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A Letter To God


Oh goodness I am so incredibly thankful, but not near as much as I should be.

I am so thankful for the people You have brought into my life, and thankful for the people You have removed.
I didn’t understand why you brought certain people into my life, but now I see why. I see You needed me to endure different types of people to better myself. I see You needed me to realize the difference between the people I want and the people I need. I understand why You removed some people out of my life because there were/are better people for me coming into my life. I understand You saw them serve their purpose in my life and felt it was time to go. And I am so thankful I am capable to understand and see this. I am so thankful for the people who You chose to stay in my life, I couldn’t ask for more supportive people.

I am so thankful for the great memories You have given me, and the not so great memories.
I didn’t understand why You would put me through such tough times in my life, but now I see why. I see You needed me to grow and mature as a person. I see You needed me to appreciate the greater memories just a little more. I see You needed to test my faith for it to become stronger, and for our relationship to become stronger. And I am so thankful I am capable to understand and see this. I am so thankful for the memories I look back on and see You.

I am so thankful for Your forgiveness.
I am a horrible horrible horrible sinner. I lie, I am ungrateful, I am selfish, I am not humble, I am not content, I am not patient at all, and sometimes I doubt You. You forgive me though. You take this horrible sinner, and you make me beautiful and holy. You invite me with arms wide open, and still never fail me. You still love me. I know how hard it is to love someones that is constantly failing You, and I admire Your strength to forgive me. It amazes me. God, I am so thankful for You.

Thank You for giving me so many opportunities to better myself.
Thank You for giving me so many opportunities to follow You.
Thank You for letting me play the sport I love.
Thank You for letting me tell Your story.
Thank You for giving me people who share their love for You with me.
Thank You for giving me people who test my character.
Thank You for living through me.

God, I surrender all of me to You. Take my life in Your hands and make me satisfied with everything I have and don’t have. Let me see Your Grace in each of my mistakes. Give me Your strength to forgive people, and have compassion for those who do not have compassion for me. Let me see the world how You see it. Let me love everyone more than I love myself.

THANK YOU FOR SAVING ME FROM MYSELF.